Hedgehog Tunnels

Sun, 07 Oct 2007 20:03:25 GMT

Maybe the riddle of this accident
      Goes back to your gossip
      With a ferocious strategy
      You play wounded in his cockpit

I've known many women that play this game of the victim, but one in particular surpasses them all. She is an eater of worlds, only happy when she can drag all of us into the sludge. There is no sunlight in her world. She created this, but takes no pride in what she's created. It is always someone else that did this, even if she erases the truth of the situation and replaces it with her own reality. She is a 'black hole that could swallow Jesus'.

I was her best friend for as long as I was useful to her. I helped her through her divorce (a marriage that she destroyed by cheating, but twisted it around so she was the victim). She is excessive, an addictive personality moving from diet pills to drinking to meth. Friends and family have given up she is so far gone. Delusion and lies, only needing people for what they can do for her. She'll always find someone who will take care of her. Someone that will fall into her stories and try to drag her from the sludge. Until they realize that she wants to be there and is in fact dragging them in.

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 07:35:03 GMT

You know you're gonna lie to you
in your own way
You know you're gonna lie to you
in your own way

And you don't need the light on
to guide me to your
Southern land of gold - I just go

My brother is getting married. She is deceptively kind. Control and jealousy are her mediums. Revenge is other men's beds. He is aware of all of this, but he lies to himself that everything is fine. Until her next mood swing pushes him away and out the door to pour his heart out to me. Questioning if he's happy. Until she calls and he lies again in his own way.

As angry as I may be with her I will always be there for him. Even with no light, in his darkness, I will see him. Really see him under his despair and pain. His 'southern land of gold', his soul. We have been surviving since we were kids. Sometimes with noone but the two of us. Soldiering on, supporting each other through upheavals and chaos. If he needs me I won't think, I'll just go.

Sat, 15 Sep 2007 07:26:11 GMT

Had me a trick and a kick and your message

He was my first and I was in love. I was left feeling used and broken. I was nothing more than fun for him (a twist for his latest drink as he's transitioning). Something sacred became sleazy and wrong. He treated me like he had paid for me. But I still hung on to every word he said.

Well you'll never gain weight from a doughnut hole

Wanting what wasn't good for me. Craving him. But I'm left empty, feeding on air. Not gaining love or wisdom. Reciprocated love has weight to it. It is Thanksgiving. You're left full and content. This relationship was anorexia.

Then thought that I could decipher your message

There must be a secret message in his actions or his words. I was convinced that we were meant to be, I just needed the key to his code. I left him, but continued to search out meaning. I appeared to move on, but he was still a puzzle to solve. Maybe if I figured him out he could finally love me.

There's no one here dear
      No one at all

I was consumed and in so deep that my loved ones couldn't reach me. I realized that I was alone in my room, pining for someone that didn't matter. I had pushed everyone out trying to pull him in. One of these people became my husband. He waited patiently while I worked this person out of my system. There was no mystery, no message. Just someone who had no time for me and, ultimately, was not worth my time.

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 21:34:03 GMT

Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my HEART is sick of being
In chains

Everyone. Putting everyone ahead of me. Laughing and joking liking a crying clown. I'm hearing their wants and demands. They don't want me, they want perfection. I'm doing handstands and back flips to keep them happy and smiling.

Watching friends I've trusted with my life take more and more. If my smile falters they ignore me until I can put my game face on. They want entertainment not friendship.

Hearing my mother deny me if I don't agree with her. I am only useful to her if I appease and follow her. Anything less than total agreement is unacceptable. She wants a sheep not a daughter.

Working harder than the rest to the point of exhaustion. Pushing harder to get the job done. Everything perfect with a smile. My co-workers depend on me so they can relax. Trying harder, but my boss still finding fault even in the smallest ways. Make them laugh and maybe they won't resent me. A robot not a human.

Being everything for my husband but not feeling like enough. Cooking, cleaning, loving, compromising. No anger only understanding. Praising and supporting. But there is always fault to be found with me. A Stepford wife not an equal.

I have cut these friends from my life, searching for true friendship.

I have stood up to my mother, I will not live in fear to make my own choices.

I get the job done with a team, I will not stress over a paycheck.

I have spoken to my husband and he is more supportive than I imagined.

I will not live in chains created from other people's restrictions. This is me. Accept it.

Fa la la pfft...

Sun, 04 Dec 2005 19:43:21 GMT

Yesterday was our reception. It was tiring and my cheeks hurt from smiling at everyone. Other than both sides of our family some friends showed up. I was missing a couple. Val had to go to a funeral and I'm not sure if Ritsuko got the invite or if she had to work. Did I make you mad Terri? If I did I'm really really sorry.
After it was over we went and saw Harry Potter. I liked it as a movie, but was kind of disappointed by how much had to be cut. Otherwise it would be 4 hours instead of 2 1/2.

over the cuckoo's nest...

Sat, 27 Aug 2005 18:20:13 GMT

I told Athena I don't want to be friends with her anymore. I'm done with her bullshit. She's ditched me twice this week when we've made plans and one of those times was so she could go sleaze around a bar with Angie. She called me 5 minutes before she was supposed to pick me up. She's acting like Corinna and I'm done with people like that. It didn't even seem like she gave a shit that I was telling her we weren't friends anymore. She just said, "Ok, but can we still talk?" No! We can't still talk! That's the point of not being friends!! She doesn't want to hang out with me, cause I don't go to bars. She just wants me around as a free therapist who listens to her talk about the guys she's with. If it's not one she's obsessing over it's another and she goes on and on about the same things. That is my rant. She is forgotten now.

On with life. So, I don't have anyone to go to the Tori concert with now. Val's gonna see if she can get off work and if she can't my mom is gonna go. Yes, that's right, my mom is gonna see Tori Amos with me. What kind of twisted parallel universe did I trip into?

Other than that stuffs I am well.

It be good...

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 07:21:51 GMT

snagged from mirokus_heir:
1. Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.

2. I'll tell you what song/movie/book/fictional character reminds me of you.

3. I'll pick a substance to wrestle with you in.

4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me. Or at least me.

5. I'll tell you my favorite memory of you.

6. I'll tell you what animal or plant you remind me of.

7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.

8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written.

....

Mon, 01 Aug 2005 20:10:30 GMT

Well, Athena finally approached me about what's going on and we talked it out. So things seem to be cool. We'll see, I'll just be a bit more careful. Other than that there's not much else...

the girls a superfreak...

Sat, 30 Jul 2005 19:31:12 GMT

It seems that my friendship with Athena is on its downward spiral. She's casually seeing one of the customers, but is under the impression that it will be something 'serious'. They've only hung out a couple times and he said he's not looking for a relationship. So this means that she doesn't need to talk to her friends anymore (namely me who helped her the most). She's too busy not taking her medication and drinking and partying. Guess I'm just too boring now that she's gotten all she needs from me. Sorry. Just a little butt-hurt because of selfish, self involved, unappreciative persons. She also got Kevin kicked out of the store because he was telling us the truth. Guess she didn't like me questioning all her lies and half-truths. It gets sticky remembering what you've said...

Well, I enrolled at Olympic College Poulsbo campus. I want to get a portfolio built before I try for art school. I'm just tired of complaining about my situation and not doing anything about it. So I'm doing something.

Got two new Resident Evil shirts from Hot Topic. One is an evil raven eating a dead hand and the other is a zombie that's all comic book graphic cool. I wore the zombie one to work and disturbed people enough to not talk to me for an extended length of time. It's paid for itself in my opinion :)

Also got Resident Evil 4. Much goodness...

More shooting star marshmallows...

Sat, 23 Jul 2005 18:16:18 GMT

Mmmm. What fun this summer is so far. Athena broke up with her new boyfriend, decided she wanted her husband back, he didn't want her, and she went crazy. I've been on suicide watch up until two days ago when she tried to check herself into a mental hospital. Now she's taking Zoloft and (hopefully) has given up on Kevin.I don't mind helping my friends. My close friends are the most important people in my life. I'm just wondering at what point does all my counseling and helpfulness cross the line into taking over my life. I don't want to think about Athena's problems all day. I have my own to deal with (well, not really. I've actually been in a good mood lately), but still. I don't want to think of all this negative shiznit when I am feeling groovy! Sometimes I think she's an emotional/energy vampire. Like a dementor, sucks all the happiness out of you.

So other than all that things are cool. A friend of mine is trying to get me to work at Planned Parenthood, but I'm not interested in office work. I don't know what I want to do. But that's always how it's been.Meh.

Mon, 04 Jul 2005 20:59:42 GMT

Got in a fight with Andy over stupid shit. He left for work and I burned myself with matches. I don't know how else to let it out other than screaming and breaking things. Got's to put on the happy face for work now.

It's just Little Earthquakes. Ripping us to pieces...

My smily black hole...

Mon, 04 Jul 2005 07:15:47 GMT

So, I have noone to talk about interesting things with and I end up just talking to myself. Always wanted to be a hermit living on my own deep in the woods penning manifestoes that noone would care to read. I've been trying to write my zombie story for two years and anytime I think of it I get tired and give up before I start.I don't know why I'm so scared to push forward or create things. I just work, sleep and eat. It's so easy to just be a drone and I fight it everyday. Are you happy when you feel nothing? Cause it beats feeling all the negative shit that's normally felt.

Maybe I just had no talent or ability to begin with. I feel like I have no creativity, just a void.

Happy fuckin 4th of july.

a very merry unbirthday..

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 19:34:14 GMT

Haven't posted in awhile. I went to the Tori show Friday. It was quite amazing. It was the first show I cried at. The venue was smaller so everyone could see the stage clearly. The entire week before the show karma tried to crush me. There are far too many crazy people (and not good crazy. There's not nearly enough good crazy.).

My old bosses the Morgensens are buying the store back from the guy they sold it to. It should be interesting to see what happens.

That's about all there is...

Tue, 29 Mar 2005 20:28:37 GMT

I am worth $2,003,552.00 on HumanForSale.com

MMMMM...it's my day off. I feel the need to create and not waste my time playing on the computer.

Yep. Still on the computer.

We got a dog last wednesday! He's a Jack Russell terrier and he's awesome and trained and fun and we named him Gir.

Must watch Golden Girls and be calm like buddhist.

Tue, 22 Mar 2005 21:19:24 GMT

Your Goth Tori!

Which Tori are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Aha

Fri, 18 Mar 2005 19:52:26 GMT

LiveJournal
Tarot Cards

	Queen of Swords captlcalico
May mine eyes drill holes in thine grape jelly jars.
Divinatory Meanings: If looked at in this way lick the lookers nose. Good luck will follow.

ooo wee ooo wee

Fri, 18 Mar 2005 19:24:06 GMT

Just got Seasons 5 and 6 of Red Dwarf! Watched both last nite, now mine eyes'n burn'n.
I've been offered a job by one of the regular customers who owns a landscaping company. I'm seriously considering it, cause I like the great outdoors and don't mind being a work horse. Also found out that the previous owners might take the store over again. The new owner is acting sketchy (possible drug and gambling problem using store profits). Yeah, hideous but so much fun to talk about.
I need to get an Idiots Guide To: Graphic Novels. I really want to make one. I don't have the patience to write a novel, but I like to draw. It could happen.

Sat, 26 Feb 2005 23:11:10 GMT

Well, I got a car. A '99 Honda Accord. It's been awhile since I've driven and I'm all nervous. I just don't want to wreck this one. So if I have to drive like a grandma, so be it. All of this so I can get a different job. Hopefully a better paying one. I think I have the experience and job skills to do something better. We'll see....
I hate changes. They scare me.

Yeah, so I dyed my hair black because when I had it red people thought I was Athena. People still think I'm Athena but now they think I'm Wendy too. Since when did who I am not matter so much that others can't be bothered to remember me. Back in the day the customers knew who I was and now I'm no longer an individual. I think I need a butt-ass ugly nametag to remind their dumbasses what my name is (it's only four letters guys, work with me here).

Oh, and I have a cold. Yay me.

Pity Party

Thu, 17 Feb 2005 20:17:53 GMT

I'm chillin' in the hood cause I don't work until 8pm. The owner doesn't like to pay overtime so I get retarded hours this week. I'm so tired of working. I walked in yesterday and had to do loads of deli projects on top of regular duties (which weren't caught up). I want a new job, but it's not the best job market. Also, I don't want to work in a gas station or anywhere that prepares food. I've done it for over 5 years, I'd like to try something different. Andy tells me to do what makes me happy and then lectures me on making money. I'd like to work 4 days a week or have shorter hours but this doesn't 'make money'. I just want to focus on me and what will help relieve all the stress I have. I fucken hate my job and it makes me so tired when I walk in the door. I'm done with that subject now...
Last nite I closed with Athena. It was cool and after we went to an all nite diner and had coffee. That's when she told me that she's worried cause she's gotten down to 103 lbs. No matter how much weight I lose or how much I work out and eat healthy I still feel like I'm huge. I was always big compared to my friends. I'm finally down to a good size and I'm tired of being told I'm chunky and not that little. Even with all the weight I lost and all the hard work I'm still 'big' in comparison.
So on top of all that I have to decide what to do with my life. I've considered school, but class situations make me panicky. I don't like most people. I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do, but I've gotta do something or I'll be stuck here working at Streibels and living in a trailer park. I'd like to think I'm worth more than that...

You can make a fortune...

Fri, 14 Jan 2005 22:08:22 GMT

At least I hope to. I feel like this year will bring many big changes for everyone. Whether good or bad who knows. But many life changing thingies for peoples. I'm hoping to get a new job. Streibels is Streibels and it's tons better than the towing company, but I want to have an interesting job. Doing something I'm interested in like an art store or bookstore. Firstly, I must get a car so I may travel. I'd also like to do more with my art. I think I could actually make something of it. I see the images in my head and the things I want to create, I just get no time or inspiration. This year I'm gonna change my past habits and do something. Not sit on my ass and wait for life to happen.
"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."-John Lennon

The Little Giant Encyclopedia of Lori

Wed, 29 Dec 2004 05:51:05 GMT

For some odd reason these past couple of days I've come out of my funk and actually felt, if not happy, content. Christmas was enjoyable and I've been able to build a nice wardrobe. Streibels is hell as usual, but not necessarily from co-workers. Val and I are looking into the store's ghost(remember Megiggles Terri?!). He's still around, freaking us out. I did astrological profiles for all the girls at work and have amassed an alarming amount of books on astrology, the zodiac, and chinese astrology. A couple people read one of the girls' profile and offered to pay me to make theirs! I won't accept money for it (it's not an original work, just bits and pieces out of different books), but it's cool that people like the profiles so much (since it took me 3 weeks to do everyone's).
Athena is worried that because Corinna and I are talking, Corinna will tell me lies to make me hate Athena. Truth is I trust Athena far more than I trust Corinna. I like Corinna. She's fun to shop with. But she showed her true colors. As soon as she had a bit of power our friendship disintegrated. I tried to keep it revived and she didn't care to cause suddenly I wasn't "on the same level as her". Athena has been by my side no matter what.
Andy, Terri, Val, and Athena. The few people in my life I completely trust and love. I can totally be myself around them, warts and all.
So, overall I'm quite happy with things...
give it a couple hours and I'll be back to normal.

Oh my god! Been a long time...since I rock n rolled...

Fri, 24 Dec 2004 07:54:52 GMT

I'm constantly on here checking up on ones that are near and dear, but haven't updated so I thought I would. Still at Streibels. Now the owner is trying to cut everyone's hours so he can save money. Bastard. I'm so tired of everyday humdrum. I wish I had more hobbies or something to take my mind away from reality (other than narcotics). I just work and sleep. Occasionally I see other people and have fun. I'd like to only work part-time at like an art store and have time to just clean and doodle and piddle on the floor. There's not enough hours in the day. Corinna and I have tentatively made up. It's never gonna be the friendship it was, but she's going through really tough times and I'm not gonna be an ass munch and turn my back on her. Got some cool early Xmas presents (Andy and I figured we're adults so we can open gifts when we want). I got Sealab 2021 which I've been wanting forever. It's fucking hilarious. It's the type of stuff I'd create if I got off my butt and did it. I feel like Streibels drains my creative energy...no..I think every job does that, pretty much. I keep reminding myself that I could be really sick or jobless or all kinds of things to put my situation in perspective. It only works for about 5 minutes, then I'm irked about something else or staring glass-eyed at the TV. Gotta love it.

...a trip-tropping through life...

Thu, 14 Oct 2004 19:52:32 GMT

Just recently saw Shaun of the Dead. Laughed so hard I cried! Today is my first day back at work after a week off. We did the camping thing and went to the Point Defiance Zoo and then this restaurant that was all FONDUE! It's the little things in life. I've also been looking into the Japanese Horror genre. You know, the Ring was a remake of Ringu and now the Grudge is coming out and it's a remake of Ju-on. So I've been looking around for some of the original Japanese movies. I've been a little worried about my buddy. I don't know if it's me she wrote about or if she got my post, but I want to assure her that I love her alot and she will always be an important part of my life. Ya got that, Larry? I hope everything is ok...

Why am I watching soap operas...

Tue, 21 Sep 2004 20:37:55 GMT

I'm starting to plan the whole wedding thing. Fun. A strange thing happened the other day, Corinna came in to Streibels and asked to talk with me. She asked what was going on and I told her the truth. She was under the impression that Athena ruined our friendship and I told her it was actually how she treated me when I worked for her. She apologized profusely and I put her phone numbers back in my phone (she was surprised that I had erased them). I haven't called her yet, I really don't know what I'd say. I'm finally getting a vacation. In October Andy and I are taking a week off to run around. Not actually traveling anywhere other than day trips to Seattle and the zoo. Yay! Some peace and quiet.

Mello Yello

Mon, 16 Aug 2004 21:18:20 GMT

Haven't written in awhile. Not much going on to write about. Same ole story with Corinna trying to pull crap (But apparently she got kicked out of her house, the landlord sold it and she has to move, karma anyone?), Streibels will always be hardcore drama central, I can live with that. Andy's been playing Resident Evil and now I dream about zombies and am trying to finish my zombie story. Drew some pics that I'm proud of. Just trying to pay bills and hopefully save money for a vacation we'd like to take in October. Chillin' like a villain!